Reflex Reaction!

So I ordered a book from Amazon by Oriah, a wonderful poet, writer I've been lucky to find. My friend's husband had passed me 'The Invitation' when I was at a low ebb in my life some years back.

The poem used to adorn my soft board for a while and now I have it with me at home. I read it every so often. I love it.

When I ordered it, my state of mind was, 'I want to feel happy gifting and I want to create some joy at being gifted'. I thought how he'd call or how happy he'd be, etc. Of course these were all my silly little expectations.

When I saw that it would take more than a month to be delivered I messaged asking him if he'd be around or if his mother would collect the gift, etc. I remember being told, 'what's this, this is not good'. That was his reaction. He doesn't like being gifted or getting gifts. To an extent I empathise. But it hurt me to read (on SMS as we hardly talk) his reaction like that. I remember responding saying, 'one doesn't gift to hear, 'that's not good', but for the joy it will bring'. I was angry too.

Anyway, he received his gift today. He sends me an SMS saying thanks a lot, received. Reflexive reaction - hurt and anger. A person can't even call to thank! I guess this is not an occasion to call, and of course I mean he didn't ask for a gift, and then it's from me, and it's not from one of his close friends, etc., etc.
Is this how it's supposed to be? Should I be making excuses here for behaviour like this, or accept it and shrug, because after all, everyone is different and why do I need to have unreal expectations? Maybe I just liked the wrong guy (as usual!). Maybe I need to wake up and smell the roses - he doesn't care! Not one bit! For him, I'm just someone he tolerates. I don't know, am sure there are a lot of explanations and maybe it'd be prudent of me to just let it be.

But I am hurt. And the last time I said I was hurt, I got a response saying, 'maybe it'll hurt less if you thought of how tiring it can get for the other person to constantly assure, reassure, explain,...don't have the energy or inclination to comfort anyone, nor to argue...'.

I don't think I deserve this kind of attitude or behaviour or detachment. Would I be right in feeling a sense of hurt, being let down, or just being taken for granted? Maybe I read too much into everything, and that will forever remain my weakness. But hey, we're supposed to be more than friends. Oh! I forgot...maybe that again is/was my assumption. He probably outgrew it a long time ago and hence for me the sense of hurt and disappointment is very palpable.

I need to have a cold shower, let the tears be washed away along with the rest of the 'reflex reactions'. I know I care for the person I am and I should not give in to anger, but think long, hard and be absolutely certain if a life of pain and hurt and constant compromise is what I want in the long run.

What is clear now - he doesn't care!

H.E.L.P.

Am trying. Don't know how long I will last. Something has got to give. And I don't want to think what or who that may be.

It seems right now as if the whole world is railing against me. No one seems to give a damn or care.

Yes! There are days and times when it does seem that you're being punished and you have no clue why.

And then some say, 'this too shall pass'. It's some 'karmic' cycle, or some Mercury retrogade, or some divine gobbledygook that no one understands.

So while all this tries to unravel itself and I writhe and grimace and wonder, I also scream for some HELP!

There's no one out there who's listening. What on earth was I thinking?

Clarity!

It's amazing what talking and non-judgmental (at least I hope it is) listening can do.

The subtle but surefire shift in perceptions is almost palpable. How the right words, the right frame of mind, and the right time can help you see what you always thought you knew or could see, but nah! you never did.

I was talking about my relationships (in general and not about K at all) and how it seemed that it never ever seemed to come to anything but nought. Of course it was my point of view hence likely to be biased. But I also love to try and play down the 'villain de piece' and say it like it is. If I am the villain then so be it. My sense of justice and fairness is very highly developed. So even at the cost of me looking like a nasty piece of work, I say it like it is. Does that mean I don't want a patient and unbiased hearing? Of course I do. And that's what I got and get.

My God! I must've seemed such a pest to K. Such a goddammed pest and so desperate. Desperate to cling on. Desperate for attention. Desperately desperate. And so afraid. Gosh! And I must've driven him up the wall (which is what I did actually) and without even realising how beautifully I was doing it.

"God K! Am sorry. Truly. I can be terribly demanding and naive and stupid and all that. Am mature too :), but I think my behaviour especially at a time and phase where you're not having it terribly good either must've seemed to you very draining, very pushy, very unnerving, and very distasteful."

So sorry. I know I can make amends. Would he allow me to? Would he want me to? Would he even think this would be worth it? If I was he, I know I'd be too tired and just say 'No' and walk on. But I know we can make it work. That's the crazy thing. It's foolish optimism perhaps, it's a 'blinded in love' perhaps, but sometimes one needs to follow one's instinct and I'm following mine. Many a times, my instinct has led me to unimaginable pain and hurt and all that especially where relationships are concerned, but am not the same person I was then. A lot of the blinkers are off and the shift in perception of my needs, desires and god knows what else is quite enlightening. Oh yes!

But now that I know what I can do and should do and even though I know I will make mistakes trying to make amends, I'm still willing to give it a shot, I don't know if it's too late. And that makes my heart stop and my extremities go cold. I know the feeling of a cold hand clutching my heart. It's not melodrama, but it's true.

K doesn't know how I feel. He has an inkling, but he doesn't know. And if I tell him, he's right in not believing me. So I don't want to tell him either. He'll think am a real desperado. I'm not. Just that I feel he's right for me. He truly makes me want to be a better person. (And how many of us have heard or read this in the past and gone, 'poor thing').

Will he and HE give me a second chance?

Whither clarity!

So where are we?

My relationship with K started some 7 months ago exactly to the day. I first wrote to him then. He visited my other blog and started writing comments. We exchanged mails furiously. We chatted for hours at night. We started SMSing. We called up sometime.

We had exciting times. The flush of getting to know someone who you think could be an important facet and part of one's life is always exciting. It was not exciting, but exhilarating.

Of course we had arguments and he was particular even then about what he liked me asking or not. I was adamant about what I wanted him to say. I knew he would always love someone else - his doomed love. I had a past too. But I was never so affected by any one person from my past relationships as he seemed to be.

That may be my undoing. That and the fact that he's struggling to make it and fulfill his passion and the only thing he knows best - film making. I think he needs to think of treading other professional paths and he'd be alright. It'd take time for anything to kick-in, but I think he needs to. Or he'll always push his chance at happiness and fulfillment away. Like he's pushing me away. Of course he says that 'he's not cut out for all this' and that he has 'way too many problems'. But if his problems weren't there, would he still say, 'I'm not cut out for all this'. I don't know. I know he likes me tremendously. But maybe he's not sure of where this will go, how he'll keep it up, what if I start asking questions to which he has no answer, what about commitment and so on. Yes, maybe I will. But he doesn't know am willing to give him time. But am afraid of broaching this with him, simply because he doesn't want to talk about 'us', about personal stuff, only 'general' stuff.

Of course I'd asked for closure more than a month ago. But then we never got to talk about it. I don't want to 'split' or 'break up' as they call it. I don't. I want him to take his time, I want him to do what he wants, but I also want him to begin focusing on being practical. Of course he has responsibilities and a mother besides his own demons, his aspirations, his own fears and ego. We all have it and I know it's difficult. I do give him space and I do want him to do well. I'm not sure if he feels insecure with me. I'm not some hot shot super rich and successful career woman. Yes, am independent and earn fairly decently. Yes I'm an entrepreneur. I've shared it with him and he's never shown any sign of insecurity.

I know that I'd managed to get under his skin and physically we were on fire so to speak. Come August and it all changed. Maybe August is a cursed month. He talks about August 13 or so as one of the most treasured months and moments of his life in his blog. It was around August 20th that he became distant. Maybe his mind pressed the 'rewind' button and everything changed. Maybe his mind told him, 'how can you take your chance at happiness - you've had 4/5 other relationships after The One, but it's never worked out, because you're not meant for all this. You can't love R, you never will, even if she's got under your skin. This is your life and how can it be good'. Maybe. I don't know. Of course I'm being presumptous. But again in his blog he's written the same thing, that with him, there are always twists.

I like him inspite of his flaws. I see a man in his prime, frustrated, helpless and still managing to keep his dignity intact. A proud man who is also sensitive and responsible and diligent. He keeps at it. He writes well and he's passionate.

He just doesn't care for me. And so I don't know what to do. Is it over? I don't want to give him up. I want him. Is he worth the anguish and pain he's causing me by pushing me away? I don't know. There are times when I want to lash out at him. There are times when I want to be selfish and say, 'think of me'. I have in the past. But here's a man who is firm, stubborn, caught up, troubled, proud and not in love with me.

Where does that leave me? I don't want to answer that.

I care for him. And perhaps I need him more than he'll ever know. But I will never force him or compel him into something he's not keen on. Of course I will move on and all that jazz. But everytime my relationship breaks up, a huge part of me dies and goes away. This time it might be a really HUGE part of me. And God is always a mute spectator.

But I won't give up just yet. Not just yet.

So where are we?

Floating Ideas!

Continuing from where I left off yesterday, the aftermath of turmoil gave way to some of that floating fluff that we all tend to do fill our heads with when we want to escape harsh reality - it's called dreams!

My drive to work and home is a fairly long one - 22 kms one way. It should ideally take 25 - 30 mins to travel. However road reality is vastly different. It can take anywhere from 60 mins to 180 mins. If you're feeling sympathy for me, please do. I feel miserable most times myself.

Now since I have a lot of time to kill (and kill is a four letter word that occurs frequently when I'm driving), I do what I am fairly good at (perhaps like the rest of humanity too). I dream.

Of course these last few evenings have been spent driving around with sobs racking my not so mean and lean frame. It's not too hard to guess why I've been consumed with looking teary eyed et al.

So these floating ideas have been really about him and I.

Floating Idea 1:
Driving in the car with him beside me and I'm the driver - listening to some wonderfully uplifting and sunny songs - Rubaru from RDB, or Yun Hi Chala from Swades or some English numbers - a medley of songs you know

Floating Idea 2:
Having a bottle of wine (he likes wine) and a pitcher of shandy (I like shandy) and settling in front of this huge LCD (ok maybe not so huge) with some great movies and watching it all night long

Floating Idea 3:
Sitting atop those open double-deckered buses and doing a Bangalore darshan at our own pace.

Floating Idea 4:
Playing scrabble and I beating him hollow (and I mean like by a huge margin) after which of course he gets totally irritated and I have to kiss and make up.

Floating Idea 5:
With friends at a dinner. Something someone says causes him/ me some hurt. He clasps my hand and looks at me and queries, 'You ok?' or I look at him and kiss the corner of his mouth impulsively.

Ok ok...I have lots of such floating ideas and 5 is a good number to start with.But am beginning to wonder if there's a point to it. I mean it's nice to dream, to float but when one has to come back to reality with a THUD! it hurts. And how! But then without dreams what is life!

And I like to dream because I think if I dream hard enough I can make it happen. And so one lives on yet another floating idea :).

He's so precious to me...if only he knew. But even if he did, how can he help it if he doesn't care as much or feels the same way? Sigh! I don't want to think about it, because I can feel the sobs coming!

Floating is so much fun!

Turmoil!

I've been having it pretty rough lately, battling the usual battles that we wage in our day-to-day sometimes meaningful and sometimes banal existence.

My home's being renovated -ah! now what that does to a person's equilibrium deserves a long and separate post - my job's uncertain as my company's going through its own churn - and my love life's going through its own turbulent phase. The rest of this post is really about that turbulence. And if it's disjointed or nonsensical, please excuse me. The rush of emotion and words is not something I can control or want to.

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He means much to me. The sad part is that I think I don't and might never mean much to him. Reading all his old posts on his blog is probably the worst thing I could do to myself. I just wanted to be close to him. I just wanted to share his thoughts as he never ever does it with me.

I can't compete with her (his old flame), nor can I compete with his own definitions. We're all prisoners of our own perceptions of what is, what could, what should be. I am. I'm no saint. But I'm no sinner either. I'm flawed, but I'm not bad if you know what I mean.

I've tried being something that I'm not for his sake. I've stopped asking him if he cares, stopped asking him if he misses me, never asked him where our relationship is going, almost stopped asking him when he plans to come visit me. In all fairness he's told me many a times that he will never articulate that he misses me or cares or anything. I couldn't accept it and badgered on. I was dealing with my insecurities and I think that's natural really, coming from where I am or was or whatever. And understandable from where he's coming from or was or whatever.

I am so afraid of losing him that I think my fear makes me say and do all the wrong things. My SMSes are all wrong. But I can't be the full of grace and completely detached kind of person who's not too worried about the person. That's not me, that's in fact anathema to me. I'm full bodied, vibrant and passionate and paranoid. I'm committed and I don't go over the edge however much I may want to live it. I've never given any of my past boy friends a hard time during or post the relationship (or so I think. There's always 2 sides to a coin). Never. I've never said mean or nasty things or pursued them or made their lives miserable (that's 99% true and I'm being candid - does that absolve me of me being a mean nasty person? I hope it does.) Because I've always held myself responsible for the break-ups. I've never been good enough.

Somehow that reasoning doesn't sit well with me now. I'm good enough. Period.We're all good enough. But for God's sakes, if someone won't even send me a message in 7 days asking how are you, or something, and that someone is this person you care about so deeply, and you're told, 'it's not about you silly, but about me', then you really don't know what to think.

Of course I know he's going through a rough patch, work-wise, emotionally, maybe psychologically and have tried putting myself in his shoes before reacting. I've stopped expecting romance, mush, or any form of indulgence. If I get a smile (on SMS) I thank the Lord. I've been told after all very categorically that words and mush and all that, mean absolutely nothing. Sure. Maybe even a gesture would do. But then we're geographically far apart so gestures is out.

I've been patient, I've given him space, I've tried to be funny, conversational, but I guess when someone's tuned off, someone's tuned off. I asked him once, after months believe you me, if he adored me...for me it comes naturally to say I adore you, I love you, I care for you and I know for him it's difficult. But I couldn't help myself and I asked him. I knew he didn't, but we all live on hope...and he didn't answer that...his answer was that he was out or some such. I asked him once if I was a pain in the arse, a tiresome person, and again he didn't answer that, as he was out. I even said I want closure...but I can't bear to be away from him. Not having him to SMS to will not be a loss I could handle.

God knows I've tried to not be me and be me. I've turned it around in my head thinking what does this person make me feel - I like him, I care for him, I get angry with him, I get concerned about him, I feel impatient with him - all those emotions that one would normally associate with someone you cared very very deeply about. And did he make me happy? Initially he did. All the SMSes we sent each other, the adrenaline rush, the chats, the emails, everything. And then he changed.

I don't know if I can actually bear another of my relationships breaking apart. I swear to God, I've tried cross my broken heart to make this work. But I can't do it on my own. Of course it's bloody difficult to try something when you're not comfortable. Like when you want to scream, you take a deep breath and don't...basically not giving in to basic emotions or being impulsive. He's taught me patience and I've said this to him, I think he makes me want to be a better person. I only wish he could say this of me.

I'm treading on egg shells most times not knowing when something I say will be misconstrued or cause me pain as I have an immense propensity for putting my foot in my very wide mouth. He's been patient, he's been courteous, he's been nice.
Has he been like a lover? No.

Look it's very difficult to not be biased because I'm in the relationship. I'm trying to be fair to him. So he has his quirks and his ideas and his opinions and I've got to respect that. We're adults after all and he's gone and going through a lot in life. But does that mean one has to be blinded completely by being thoroughly insensitive to someone you share a relationship with? I have my needs let's face it. We all have our needs. Relationships are also about having those needs fulfilled, be it the need to hear a kind word, sex, affirmation what have you. Above all, the need to be loved.

But I don't feel loved. I feel that I'm being tolerated.I feel that I'm a pain in the arse really. I try not to think about it and in my own stubborn way carry on, messaging him. I've not spoken to him in 2 months. Nor has he bothered talking with me. I don't know what to say if I do talk with him. Am so afraid I'll cry and he hates it when I do. He hates it if I ask him if he's feeling ok in case he's been unwell because he doesn't want to be reminded of it. But all I'm doing is showing concern. But maybe I'm over doing it. Or am I? I don't think so...but then let's give the man the benefit of doubt.

So what am I saying? That he cares for me or not? I don't know. He told me once, and I've saved the message for posterity, 'You have the power and you're a crook!'. The context of it was did I have the power to make him think or affect him...this was in July. We've had some wonderful email exchanges. Some wonderful web chats. Some wonderful SMSes. But they've become memories already. They seem to belong to someone else at another time.

It hurts so much. I don't know who to confide in. I don't know if I can talk with him. I don't know how he'd react. I'm afraid to lose him. And that my friends is my Achilles' heel. The fear and dread of not having him in my life inspite of all the hurt and pain is like a vice around my chest. The pleasure when I hear the beep of my cell phone to a SMS I've sent him, he'll never know. Because I won't tell. Because he won't ask. Because he doesn't want to or will never think of asking.

At the same time he's told me, I can speak to him and be open and frank about anything. But if I bring this up, he'll probably hang up on me.

What will I tell him? That Kookie tell me do you ever dream of waking up with me every morning? Do you ever dream of ruffling my hair in bed before waking up? Do you ever dream of having an animated conversation after seeing a film that's moved us? Have you ever dreamed of having corn on the cob and getting wet in the rain and singing some silly song? Have you ever thought of sitting in a coffee shop idling away and sharing dreams and ideas and laughter and cold/ hot coffee with ice cream? Have you dreamt of feeling like silly college kids in the first flush of love? Have you ever thought how you would nurse and care if something serious happened to either of us? Have you thought of how we'd cope if monetarily we're not ok?

I don't know what I'd say to him. Because all of the above may sound corny and filmy and found between the covers of some silly romantic novel and not part of hard real life, but for me this is what I'd like to do. Just make breakfast you know... and know exactly how he likes his eggs. Or know all his quirks and eccentricities and find that spending time with him is the biggest gift I give myself everyday.

I feel so much. I wrote on livin that I want this so much. But reading his posts today and yesterday brought home the fact that it may never happen. That this is another relationship that I want to happen, but like he's said in one of his posts, we somehow choose paths that are doomed from the start.

I love the way he writes. I love his sensibilities. I love and cherish the fact that he's given me space to be me. But he's never once asked me about me... about my family, about my dreams, about my aspirations...Of course you can say that being my usual eloquent, loquacious self, I've told it to him anyway...but he's never been curious. Of course you may say that he's let you feel secure enough before you shared info,or he's just interested in you the person. I guess we're all different and I sometimes do understand from where he's coming from.

But please God, why don't you make him see where I'm coming from. I can not be his first flame. I can't even be his 2nd or 3rd or 5th flame. I'm me. And inspite of my baggage, if I can NOT compare him to my other relationships, if I can try and accept him and his idiosyncrasies and try and understand him, can't he?

He once told me he's open to the idea of trying a relationship. Guess he's tired. I guess I'll never fulfill his dreams and his aspirations of the perfect partner. After all I'm not she. I never will be she. I'll always come up short.

I don't know what to do. I want to ask him not to be angry. I want to kiss him and hug him and love him. I can't make intellectual conversation with him. For that he has his friends. But I can make conversation, and I can make food, and I can try and make him happy. But does he want me to?

The turmoil rages on...

I'm in deep trouble!

Period.