Clarity!
It's amazing what talking and non-judgmental (at least I hope it is) listening can do.
The subtle but surefire shift in perceptions is almost palpable. How the right words, the right frame of mind, and the right time can help you see what you always thought you knew or could see, but nah! you never did.
I was talking about my relationships (in general and not about K at all) and how it seemed that it never ever seemed to come to anything but nought. Of course it was my point of view hence likely to be biased. But I also love to try and play down the 'villain de piece' and say it like it is. If I am the villain then so be it. My sense of justice and fairness is very highly developed. So even at the cost of me looking like a nasty piece of work, I say it like it is. Does that mean I don't want a patient and unbiased hearing? Of course I do. And that's what I got and get.
My God! I must've seemed such a pest to K. Such a goddammed pest and so desperate. Desperate to cling on. Desperate for attention. Desperately desperate. And so afraid. Gosh! And I must've driven him up the wall (which is what I did actually) and without even realising how beautifully I was doing it.
"God K! Am sorry. Truly. I can be terribly demanding and naive and stupid and all that. Am mature too :), but I think my behaviour especially at a time and phase where you're not having it terribly good either must've seemed to you very draining, very pushy, very unnerving, and very distasteful."
So sorry. I know I can make amends. Would he allow me to? Would he want me to? Would he even think this would be worth it? If I was he, I know I'd be too tired and just say 'No' and walk on. But I know we can make it work. That's the crazy thing. It's foolish optimism perhaps, it's a 'blinded in love' perhaps, but sometimes one needs to follow one's instinct and I'm following mine. Many a times, my instinct has led me to unimaginable pain and hurt and all that especially where relationships are concerned, but am not the same person I was then. A lot of the blinkers are off and the shift in perception of my needs, desires and god knows what else is quite enlightening. Oh yes!
But now that I know what I can do and should do and even though I know I will make mistakes trying to make amends, I'm still willing to give it a shot, I don't know if it's too late. And that makes my heart stop and my extremities go cold. I know the feeling of a cold hand clutching my heart. It's not melodrama, but it's true.
K doesn't know how I feel. He has an inkling, but he doesn't know. And if I tell him, he's right in not believing me. So I don't want to tell him either. He'll think am a real desperado. I'm not. Just that I feel he's right for me. He truly makes me want to be a better person. (And how many of us have heard or read this in the past and gone, 'poor thing').
Will he and HE give me a second chance?
Whither clarity!
2 comments:
Oh gees, I only just checked the comments on my blog and found your latest comment, so here I am, although it seems I'm about 10 days late :(
Hmm seems like a very rocky road...whoever said love was easy eh?
I can kinda identify with this somewhat, because I tend to be someone who is not very good at voicing my feelings. (or rather I should say not very good at voicing positive feelings, I'm well qualified in moaning and moping around as the majority of my posts can prove)
Anyway yeah, it took me a long time to tell L how I felt about her, and that's nothing to do with her, maybe it was just a fear of the past somehow repeating itself, I dunno, what I'm trying to say is that it was an irrational fear. I do try to show things through actions though, but sometimes you just need to hear the words.
I wouldn't of said you were being a pest, I mean it's nice to be able to think that there is someone out there who cares about you and is thinking good things about you, I know personality it gives me a certain strength in some social situations that by nature I would somewhat shrink from.
Part of me wants to say "never back down. never give in" but at the same time you also need to keep in mind your own emotional safety...(god that sounds a cheesy term)...you can only bang your head against a wall for so long before you hurt yourself, and at the end of the day your head will break before the wall.
I doubt any of that is relevant or significant, but, well I guess at least it will give you something to read ;)
>>Pruv - you either suddenly very much there, or you aren't eh? :) Never mind, at least now you're here and I appreciate it.
Yes, I know what you're saying about the wall...I feel like that right now. I don't want to give up or give in. But I need some sign that it's not going to be all a wasted effort. Right now, the only thing I can say is, at least we're still communicating over SMS. No, I'm afraid to speak with him...I'm afraid of crying and afraid of putting my foot in my mouth and making matters worse. I like him teriffically. And boy, when I think of just 2.5 months ago and the gentle intimacy we shared, I can't even begin to tell you how pained I feel at how things have changed. I wish I knew why! I wish oh how I wish I could read his mind and fathom what's going on.
No it's not easy! Not at all...
Have to just keep walking :). At my age you'd think I'd have some sense and not be so worried et al, but no...it's not about age, but how you feel.
Hope it stays good for you Pruv.
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