So where are we?

My relationship with K started some 7 months ago exactly to the day. I first wrote to him then. He visited my other blog and started writing comments. We exchanged mails furiously. We chatted for hours at night. We started SMSing. We called up sometime.

We had exciting times. The flush of getting to know someone who you think could be an important facet and part of one's life is always exciting. It was not exciting, but exhilarating.

Of course we had arguments and he was particular even then about what he liked me asking or not. I was adamant about what I wanted him to say. I knew he would always love someone else - his doomed love. I had a past too. But I was never so affected by any one person from my past relationships as he seemed to be.

That may be my undoing. That and the fact that he's struggling to make it and fulfill his passion and the only thing he knows best - film making. I think he needs to think of treading other professional paths and he'd be alright. It'd take time for anything to kick-in, but I think he needs to. Or he'll always push his chance at happiness and fulfillment away. Like he's pushing me away. Of course he says that 'he's not cut out for all this' and that he has 'way too many problems'. But if his problems weren't there, would he still say, 'I'm not cut out for all this'. I don't know. I know he likes me tremendously. But maybe he's not sure of where this will go, how he'll keep it up, what if I start asking questions to which he has no answer, what about commitment and so on. Yes, maybe I will. But he doesn't know am willing to give him time. But am afraid of broaching this with him, simply because he doesn't want to talk about 'us', about personal stuff, only 'general' stuff.

Of course I'd asked for closure more than a month ago. But then we never got to talk about it. I don't want to 'split' or 'break up' as they call it. I don't. I want him to take his time, I want him to do what he wants, but I also want him to begin focusing on being practical. Of course he has responsibilities and a mother besides his own demons, his aspirations, his own fears and ego. We all have it and I know it's difficult. I do give him space and I do want him to do well. I'm not sure if he feels insecure with me. I'm not some hot shot super rich and successful career woman. Yes, am independent and earn fairly decently. Yes I'm an entrepreneur. I've shared it with him and he's never shown any sign of insecurity.

I know that I'd managed to get under his skin and physically we were on fire so to speak. Come August and it all changed. Maybe August is a cursed month. He talks about August 13 or so as one of the most treasured months and moments of his life in his blog. It was around August 20th that he became distant. Maybe his mind pressed the 'rewind' button and everything changed. Maybe his mind told him, 'how can you take your chance at happiness - you've had 4/5 other relationships after The One, but it's never worked out, because you're not meant for all this. You can't love R, you never will, even if she's got under your skin. This is your life and how can it be good'. Maybe. I don't know. Of course I'm being presumptous. But again in his blog he's written the same thing, that with him, there are always twists.

I like him inspite of his flaws. I see a man in his prime, frustrated, helpless and still managing to keep his dignity intact. A proud man who is also sensitive and responsible and diligent. He keeps at it. He writes well and he's passionate.

He just doesn't care for me. And so I don't know what to do. Is it over? I don't want to give him up. I want him. Is he worth the anguish and pain he's causing me by pushing me away? I don't know. There are times when I want to lash out at him. There are times when I want to be selfish and say, 'think of me'. I have in the past. But here's a man who is firm, stubborn, caught up, troubled, proud and not in love with me.

Where does that leave me? I don't want to answer that.

I care for him. And perhaps I need him more than he'll ever know. But I will never force him or compel him into something he's not keen on. Of course I will move on and all that jazz. But everytime my relationship breaks up, a huge part of me dies and goes away. This time it might be a really HUGE part of me. And God is always a mute spectator.

But I won't give up just yet. Not just yet.

So where are we?