Turmoil!

I've been having it pretty rough lately, battling the usual battles that we wage in our day-to-day sometimes meaningful and sometimes banal existence.

My home's being renovated -ah! now what that does to a person's equilibrium deserves a long and separate post - my job's uncertain as my company's going through its own churn - and my love life's going through its own turbulent phase. The rest of this post is really about that turbulence. And if it's disjointed or nonsensical, please excuse me. The rush of emotion and words is not something I can control or want to.

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He means much to me. The sad part is that I think I don't and might never mean much to him. Reading all his old posts on his blog is probably the worst thing I could do to myself. I just wanted to be close to him. I just wanted to share his thoughts as he never ever does it with me.

I can't compete with her (his old flame), nor can I compete with his own definitions. We're all prisoners of our own perceptions of what is, what could, what should be. I am. I'm no saint. But I'm no sinner either. I'm flawed, but I'm not bad if you know what I mean.

I've tried being something that I'm not for his sake. I've stopped asking him if he cares, stopped asking him if he misses me, never asked him where our relationship is going, almost stopped asking him when he plans to come visit me. In all fairness he's told me many a times that he will never articulate that he misses me or cares or anything. I couldn't accept it and badgered on. I was dealing with my insecurities and I think that's natural really, coming from where I am or was or whatever. And understandable from where he's coming from or was or whatever.

I am so afraid of losing him that I think my fear makes me say and do all the wrong things. My SMSes are all wrong. But I can't be the full of grace and completely detached kind of person who's not too worried about the person. That's not me, that's in fact anathema to me. I'm full bodied, vibrant and passionate and paranoid. I'm committed and I don't go over the edge however much I may want to live it. I've never given any of my past boy friends a hard time during or post the relationship (or so I think. There's always 2 sides to a coin). Never. I've never said mean or nasty things or pursued them or made their lives miserable (that's 99% true and I'm being candid - does that absolve me of me being a mean nasty person? I hope it does.) Because I've always held myself responsible for the break-ups. I've never been good enough.

Somehow that reasoning doesn't sit well with me now. I'm good enough. Period.We're all good enough. But for God's sakes, if someone won't even send me a message in 7 days asking how are you, or something, and that someone is this person you care about so deeply, and you're told, 'it's not about you silly, but about me', then you really don't know what to think.

Of course I know he's going through a rough patch, work-wise, emotionally, maybe psychologically and have tried putting myself in his shoes before reacting. I've stopped expecting romance, mush, or any form of indulgence. If I get a smile (on SMS) I thank the Lord. I've been told after all very categorically that words and mush and all that, mean absolutely nothing. Sure. Maybe even a gesture would do. But then we're geographically far apart so gestures is out.

I've been patient, I've given him space, I've tried to be funny, conversational, but I guess when someone's tuned off, someone's tuned off. I asked him once, after months believe you me, if he adored me...for me it comes naturally to say I adore you, I love you, I care for you and I know for him it's difficult. But I couldn't help myself and I asked him. I knew he didn't, but we all live on hope...and he didn't answer that...his answer was that he was out or some such. I asked him once if I was a pain in the arse, a tiresome person, and again he didn't answer that, as he was out. I even said I want closure...but I can't bear to be away from him. Not having him to SMS to will not be a loss I could handle.

God knows I've tried to not be me and be me. I've turned it around in my head thinking what does this person make me feel - I like him, I care for him, I get angry with him, I get concerned about him, I feel impatient with him - all those emotions that one would normally associate with someone you cared very very deeply about. And did he make me happy? Initially he did. All the SMSes we sent each other, the adrenaline rush, the chats, the emails, everything. And then he changed.

I don't know if I can actually bear another of my relationships breaking apart. I swear to God, I've tried cross my broken heart to make this work. But I can't do it on my own. Of course it's bloody difficult to try something when you're not comfortable. Like when you want to scream, you take a deep breath and don't...basically not giving in to basic emotions or being impulsive. He's taught me patience and I've said this to him, I think he makes me want to be a better person. I only wish he could say this of me.

I'm treading on egg shells most times not knowing when something I say will be misconstrued or cause me pain as I have an immense propensity for putting my foot in my very wide mouth. He's been patient, he's been courteous, he's been nice.
Has he been like a lover? No.

Look it's very difficult to not be biased because I'm in the relationship. I'm trying to be fair to him. So he has his quirks and his ideas and his opinions and I've got to respect that. We're adults after all and he's gone and going through a lot in life. But does that mean one has to be blinded completely by being thoroughly insensitive to someone you share a relationship with? I have my needs let's face it. We all have our needs. Relationships are also about having those needs fulfilled, be it the need to hear a kind word, sex, affirmation what have you. Above all, the need to be loved.

But I don't feel loved. I feel that I'm being tolerated.I feel that I'm a pain in the arse really. I try not to think about it and in my own stubborn way carry on, messaging him. I've not spoken to him in 2 months. Nor has he bothered talking with me. I don't know what to say if I do talk with him. Am so afraid I'll cry and he hates it when I do. He hates it if I ask him if he's feeling ok in case he's been unwell because he doesn't want to be reminded of it. But all I'm doing is showing concern. But maybe I'm over doing it. Or am I? I don't think so...but then let's give the man the benefit of doubt.

So what am I saying? That he cares for me or not? I don't know. He told me once, and I've saved the message for posterity, 'You have the power and you're a crook!'. The context of it was did I have the power to make him think or affect him...this was in July. We've had some wonderful email exchanges. Some wonderful web chats. Some wonderful SMSes. But they've become memories already. They seem to belong to someone else at another time.

It hurts so much. I don't know who to confide in. I don't know if I can talk with him. I don't know how he'd react. I'm afraid to lose him. And that my friends is my Achilles' heel. The fear and dread of not having him in my life inspite of all the hurt and pain is like a vice around my chest. The pleasure when I hear the beep of my cell phone to a SMS I've sent him, he'll never know. Because I won't tell. Because he won't ask. Because he doesn't want to or will never think of asking.

At the same time he's told me, I can speak to him and be open and frank about anything. But if I bring this up, he'll probably hang up on me.

What will I tell him? That Kookie tell me do you ever dream of waking up with me every morning? Do you ever dream of ruffling my hair in bed before waking up? Do you ever dream of having an animated conversation after seeing a film that's moved us? Have you ever dreamed of having corn on the cob and getting wet in the rain and singing some silly song? Have you ever thought of sitting in a coffee shop idling away and sharing dreams and ideas and laughter and cold/ hot coffee with ice cream? Have you dreamt of feeling like silly college kids in the first flush of love? Have you ever thought how you would nurse and care if something serious happened to either of us? Have you thought of how we'd cope if monetarily we're not ok?

I don't know what I'd say to him. Because all of the above may sound corny and filmy and found between the covers of some silly romantic novel and not part of hard real life, but for me this is what I'd like to do. Just make breakfast you know... and know exactly how he likes his eggs. Or know all his quirks and eccentricities and find that spending time with him is the biggest gift I give myself everyday.

I feel so much. I wrote on livin that I want this so much. But reading his posts today and yesterday brought home the fact that it may never happen. That this is another relationship that I want to happen, but like he's said in one of his posts, we somehow choose paths that are doomed from the start.

I love the way he writes. I love his sensibilities. I love and cherish the fact that he's given me space to be me. But he's never once asked me about me... about my family, about my dreams, about my aspirations...Of course you can say that being my usual eloquent, loquacious self, I've told it to him anyway...but he's never been curious. Of course you may say that he's let you feel secure enough before you shared info,or he's just interested in you the person. I guess we're all different and I sometimes do understand from where he's coming from.

But please God, why don't you make him see where I'm coming from. I can not be his first flame. I can't even be his 2nd or 3rd or 5th flame. I'm me. And inspite of my baggage, if I can NOT compare him to my other relationships, if I can try and accept him and his idiosyncrasies and try and understand him, can't he?

He once told me he's open to the idea of trying a relationship. Guess he's tired. I guess I'll never fulfill his dreams and his aspirations of the perfect partner. After all I'm not she. I never will be she. I'll always come up short.

I don't know what to do. I want to ask him not to be angry. I want to kiss him and hug him and love him. I can't make intellectual conversation with him. For that he has his friends. But I can make conversation, and I can make food, and I can try and make him happy. But does he want me to?

The turmoil rages on...